katsuno_hitomi: (Arwen)
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Dear younger brother,

I know I said that I hated you back when I was delusional, but that's just it. I was delusional. I honestly thought that you were the source of all my problems back then. Now I know that it was just the way our trials were timed. I love you with all my heart, even when you are a pain in my rear. I'm sorry that I never really played with you when you were a kid, too. Again, the delusion thing is partly to blame. The other part is our age difference. I am so sorry about saying that I hated you.

You'll probably never read this, since you're not on LJ and probably don't even know it exists. But I can tell you when you wake up this morning.

With all sincerity,
Your "little" sister
katsuno_hitomi: (Default)
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I was getting my braces adjusted when the first tower was hit. I got home to find the news on television and a scar in a NYC skyscraper(I lived in Florida and was homeschooled at the time). I also watched the second plane hit and both towers fall.

At first I thought it was all some horrible accident. Then I saw the second plane hit. I really didn't cry until I tried to explain the whole thing to my younger brother, who had turned 5 that day(by providence, we had the party the day before so his cousin could attend). I'm not really sure why I took it upon myself to do that other than I felt that I had to.

As a quick aside, I was living about an hour south of where President George W. Bush was at the time he was told of the attacks.

I first really understood the reality and seriousness of evil that day.
katsuno_hitomi: (Arwen)
I probably should have written this yesterday, when the memory of it was fresh. Still, it's better than not writing it at all.

So if you didn't know already, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Yesterday I went to church without any real expectations other than maybe getting a new insight on the scriptures or something. Just to give y'all some context, Latter-Day Saint church meetings are held in three-hour blocks. Sacrament meeting is first for my ward(congregation), and is where the members give talks(sermons) on Gospel subjects. Sunday School is next, followed by classes in Relief Society and priesthood(the women's organization and the men). In family wards there is also Primary(kids ages 3-12), Young Men and Young Women(ages 12-18), and Nursery(18 months to 3 years), but since my ward is specifically for single adults ages 18 to 30, we just have priesthood and Relief Society.

Sacrament meeting went fine, though nothing really stood out to me. It was Sunday School that the experience started. The lesson was on the Jesus's parable about the Prodigal Son. That's when the Holy Ghost hit me like a ton of bricks and got the tears going. I hadn't really strayed from the church, but it certainly felt like I was spiritually lost due to sins I had committed that I don't want to go into detail about. Let's just say I had to talk to my bishop about them and leave it at that. In any case, yesterday was the first time I had felt the Spirit so strongly in quite some time.

I had so many emotions running through me at that time. Sorrow for sinning, fear of what I had to do to repent, gratitude for the opportunity to repent and for the lesson being given, but most of all, I felt like my Heavenly Father was telling me " I love you. I want you to be happy. I want you to succeed in life. I want you to repent because I love you and want these things for you." I heard no voice saying these words, but I had the same feeling in my heart that I would have if there was a voice telling me those things.

I probably got the teacher a bit worried because the tears were flowing so freely. Fortunately, my ward is so very loving and accepting of both me and my linguistically delayed younger sister who goes with me. Why, that very day several folks tried to help her understand the word "expound" when it was said to her.

I didn't cry as much in Relief Society as I did in Sunday School, though the lesson was no less meaningful to me, even if I can't quite remember the exact topic. The whole rest of the day I was feeling spiritually wonderful. I didn't even go on Lord of the Rings Online like I had planned to after church because I felt that if I did go on, my spiritual high would be ruined, and that was the last thing I wanted to do after not having experienced such a thing in so long.

Why am I sharing this with y'all? One: because I felt the need to record what I felt. Two: because I want to share with you all that I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am not afraid to say "Hey, this is what I believe to be true. This is what I stand for."

I realize that some of you will probably just dismiss this or ignore it. I know for a fact that one person on my friends list is an atheist and probably thinks this whole thing is stupid. But you know what? It really doesn't matter to me if you don't believe what I believe, or if you find this entry silly and pointless. What matters to me is that I make this entry in the first place. I can preach until I'm blue in the face, but it's your choice to use or ignore what I say.
katsuno_hitomi: (Kya)
I'm not even kidding. Today was the day Mom was supposed to go back to work after being on disability for months. Instead, they put her on suspension with pay for something she did not do, nor did she have any idea it was happening. The pharmacy techs were clocking out and not leaving, something that should never be done at a Wal-Mart pharmacy. Not only did management do nothing about it until now, the techs all accused mother of authorizing such behavior, something that my mother not only did not do, but would never do. She asked management about it, but they never said that such behavior was grounds for termination of employment. Somebody, I don't know who, is either using my mother to stay out of trouble, or is actively trying to get her fired. Dad seems to think the latter, and I tend to agree with him. My mom runs a tight ship, and she has had trouble with techs not following the rules in the past.

That's not even the worst of it. The worst thing is that my parents now owe $26,000 that on a business credit card that they never used because the business partner was using it as front. He was buying stuff for his family with a business-only credit card. In short, we have been embezzeled and there is no legal action we can take. Suing him would be throwing good money after bad, since he has no money and would just go bankrupt, and the police will not arrest him for his criminal actions.

So, as you can see, my family is in quite the situation. Dad isn't making enough money to cover all our expenses, and Mom has to find a new job. If it's not one thing happening to my family, it's another. Heck, it's often two or more things at once.

Let's be clear, though. I'm not mad at God. He places these things in our way to make us stronger, and they always have in the past. I am, however, very angry at both the local Wal-Mart's management and the "business partner" who cheated us. The business partner used to work with my dad, and we trusted him. Plus he's LDS, which means he knew full well what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway. And don't even get me started on Wal-Mart.

When will these people learn to stop being selfish and start being kind and honest and caring to one another? I know they can, so why don't they do it?
katsuno_hitomi: (Arwen)

I was feeling really down and depressed today when I found this video that a friend had posted on Facebook.


I won't go in to all the details of why I was so depressed(it involves my airheadedness and Glenn Beck, let's leave it at that), but I will say that I really needed this right at this moment. To me, it's just another proof not only of God's existence, but also his love for his children. Even me, and even you.
katsuno_hitomi: (Avatar:The Last Airbender)
Today is Veterans Day here in the USA. Today is the day where we honor those who fought to keep us free. I think it is only fitting that I share my thoughts on the subject.

In John 15:13, it says "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." It may be talking about Christ, but it applies to anyone who gives their life for another. I believe that giving one's life to the cause of keeping their fellow men free qualifies.

So today, I thank from the bottom of my heart every man, woman, and kid lying about their age who served, whether they died in battle or not. No one escapes a war without scars of some type, and I find strength in the tales of surviors who overcame them. I wish I could thank every American soldier personally, but I can't in this life. I only hope that when I meet them in the life to come, I can thank them. Then again, they probably already know my gratitude, and are equally grateful to me for honoring their sacrifice.

If there is a veteran in your life, make sure you tell them how much you appreciate them, not just today, but every day that you can.
katsuno_hitomi: (Enya)
My brother had a Boy Scout's Court of Honor yesterday evening, so I've been thinking a lot about Scouting in the past 24 hours. One of the things that really hit me during the meeting was a story that my brother's Scoutmaster told. It was originally told by President Thomas S. Monson, current President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Here is the story in my own words.

There was a man who would always volunteer to cook for some high ranking scout leaders during their meetings. At the end of one of their meals, one of the leaders asked this man why he always volunteered so eagerly to cook for them. The cook put down his skillet and told him that his name was Demitrius, and that he was originally from Greece. His village had been invaded by Nazi's during WWII, and the men of the village would try to sabotage their war efforts as a sign of resistance.

One day, the men blew up a hydroelectric dam. That night, Demitrius woke to the lights of Nazi trucks and a command by the soldiers that every man and boy in the village was to gather on the village square. He had just enough time to put on his trousers and buckle his belt before he went to the village square.

Once all the males of the village had gathered, the soldiers explained that because of the broken dam, every 5th male in the village would be shot. Row by row the Nazi's went until the came to Demitirus' row. To his horror, Demitrius found that he would be one of those who would be shot. The soldier assigned to execute him looked at him and then at his belt buckle. It was a Scouting belt buckle that Demitrius had earned for memorizing the Scout Law and Oath. To his suprise, the Nazi soldier held up his hand in the three-fingered salute of Scouting and said "Run, boy. Run." As Demitrius finished his story, he told the leaders that he served Scouting because he wanted every boy to have a chance to live their dreams.

Needless to say, I got choked up when I heard that story last night. It made me so greatful that Scouting is a worldwide phenomenon.

So to all those invloved with Scouting, I want to say don't ever think that it isn't important. It is important.
katsuno_hitomi: (Kya)

Late Sunday night/early Monday morning my mother watched a documentary on Netflix called "The Cove." When she told me about it, I cried my eyes out. It's about dolphins in captivity, and how utterly miserable they really are. At Sea World, they are given Tagament and Maalox because they have ulcers. That's how stressed out they are by all the noise. You see, dolphins are very acoustic animals(their sonar makes our sonar look like a toy), and what do they do at Sea World? Put them in a concrete tank and surround them with thousands of very loud people.

That's not even the worst part. They get their dolphins from this place in Japan that uses metal rods in the water being banged on to scare them into a cove where they are either sold to aquariums or slaughtered and sold to restaurants. After hearing about how horrible they feel at aquariums, I think I'd rather be a dolphin that ends up on someones plate.

The guy who first trained Flipper is who you have to thank for this, but he's no uncaring prick, not by a long shot. You see, he's now an activist against this sort of stuff. What turned him around was when a dolphin literally committed suicide in his arms. You see, dolphins have to think to breathe, and this particular one swam into the guys arms and refused to take another breath.

When Mom told me about it yesterday, I wept for those poor creatures. I wept for the people in Japan who were banging on the metal rods, not because they are cruel, but because they probably have no clue what they are doing. I wept for the man who trained Flipper, because he now has to live with such guilt for the rest of his life and because no one will listen to him. But most of all, I wept for humanity. If we can be this cruel to such a selfless creature, is it any wonder that we are so cruel to our fellow humans?

Kingdom Hearts 30 Day Meme
Day 13: Favorite Nobody

Dancers. I'm a bit too depressed to say any more, though.

katsuno_hitomi: (Ayumi Hamasaki)

To bullies whose names I can't remember

Maybe you remember me and maybe you don't. If you don't, maybe this will jog your memory.

Fifth grade at Orangewood Elementary in Fort Myers, Florida. It's late 1999-early 2000. There is a tall blonde girl with glasses in your class who's off in her own little world all the time. You decide, for whatever reason, to make fun of her daydreams, and she lashes out with suprising anger at your taunts, which only fuels your desire to bully her. You eventually give her the nickname "Devil Woman." One of you(a black kid whose name I again can't remember), even slaps her at one point.

That tall blonde girl with glasses used to be me. You probably already figured that much out. Here's what you didn't know. Those daydreams of mine were actually schizophrenic delusions. That's right. I had schizophrenia while you were bullying me. As such, I held a grudge against you guys long after fifth grade. Fifth grade me hated your guts.

But that was fifth grade me. I've changed. I'm on medication to control my delusions and angry outbursts. I've been able to logically think out how I exacerbated my own situation and why you guys targeted me in the first place. And now I can honestly say that I forgive you. It's taken me a long time to get to this point; far longer than it should have, but I'm there all the same. I forgive you for being mean to me and I hope you can forgive me for my outbursts.

I know that the chances of you reading this are very slim, but that really doesn't matter to me. This was more for me than for you. Even so, if you someday come across this, feel free to comment. After all, I'm sure you've changed a lot since fifth grade, too.

Inspired by the latest entry in [livejournal.com profile] starcrossed_sky 's journal.


katsuno_hitomi: (Kya)
Seriously. I didn't even watch Lost that much when it was airing. I would see parts of various episodes, but never an entire one. The same is true with the series finale. Pretty much the only part I've seen is the last 10 minutes or so. And yes, I cried like a baby.

It wasn't so much because it was sad, though. It was because it represents all my hopes for the afterlife; being reunited with the people most important to you. I even wrote the outline of a fanfic set at the end of my current project based on it. It's really rough because I wrote it down last night before I went to bed, and it will be some time before I publish it. Still, I think it is the perfect ending to it all.

Haven't started on chapter 3 yet, because my eyes have been too full of tears. Will get on it ASAP.
katsuno_hitomi: (Kya)
So, I was just in a huge fight with my father where he literally kicked the crap out of me(I attacked first, so no abuse case there). And over what, you may ask? Over the fact that he refuses to allow my brother to go on any medication for his ADHD. He's convinced that it can all be controlled naturally with supplements. It doesn't seem to be working, as my brother is insanly behind on his school work and doesn't even realise when he lies, which is all the time. I, being the world-renowned shrink that I am(or rather, think that I am), attributed it to his own dislike of being on anti-depressants and how prideful he is and how he wants everything to be perfect and that sort of crap.

The truth is, I just don't want to deal with my families problems anymore, at least not while I'm living with them. I don't want to hear every detail about how my brother is getting grounded for this or that. I don't want to hear how Mom has to deal with suicidal subordinates at work in such vivid detail. I don't want my sister's fights with my parents to be broadcast to me in real time. And I certainly don't want to hear every scream and harsh word my mom and dad throw at each other when they fight. The truth is, I don't want to live at home anymore.

I want roommates. I want my own mailing address. I want a car. I want a job. I want a social life unencumbered by a lack of transportation. I want a cellphone. I want my own life. I want to change my ways and become the person I was meant to become.

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katsuno_hitomi

May 2012

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