Confessions of a Mormon Otaku

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Dear younger brother,

I know I said that I hated you back when I was delusional, but that's just it. I was delusional. I honestly thought that you were the source of all my problems back then. Now I know that it was just the way our trials were timed. I love you with all my heart, even when you are a pain in my rear. I'm sorry that I never really played with you when you were a kid, too. Again, the delusion thing is partly to blame. The other part is our age difference. I am so sorry about saying that I hated you.

You'll probably never read this, since you're not on LJ and probably don't even know it exists. But I can tell you when you wake up this morning.

With all sincerity,
Your "little" sister

I probably should have written this yesterday, when the memory of it was fresh. Still, it's better than not writing it at all.

So if you didn't know already, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Yesterday I went to church without any real expectations other than maybe getting a new insight on the scriptures or something. Just to give y'all some context, Latter-Day Saint church meetings are held in three-hour blocks. Sacrament meeting is first for my ward(congregation), and is where the members give talks(sermons) on Gospel subjects. Sunday School is next, followed by classes in Relief Society and priesthood(the women's organization and the men). In family wards there is also Primary(kids ages 3-12), Young Men and Young Women(ages 12-18), and Nursery(18 months to 3 years), but since my ward is specifically for single adults ages 18 to 30, we just have priesthood and Relief Society.

Sacrament meeting went fine, though nothing really stood out to me. It was Sunday School that the experience started. The lesson was on the Jesus's parable about the Prodigal Son. That's when the Holy Ghost hit me like a ton of bricks and got the tears going. I hadn't really strayed from the church, but it certainly felt like I was spiritually lost due to sins I had committed that I don't want to go into detail about. Let's just say I had to talk to my bishop about them and leave it at that. In any case, yesterday was the first time I had felt the Spirit so strongly in quite some time.

I had so many emotions running through me at that time. Sorrow for sinning, fear of what I had to do to repent, gratitude for the opportunity to repent and for the lesson being given, but most of all, I felt like my Heavenly Father was telling me " I love you. I want you to be happy. I want you to succeed in life. I want you to repent because I love you and want these things for you." I heard no voice saying these words, but I had the same feeling in my heart that I would have if there was a voice telling me those things.

I probably got the teacher a bit worried because the tears were flowing so freely. Fortunately, my ward is so very loving and accepting of both me and my linguistically delayed younger sister who goes with me. Why, that very day several folks tried to help her understand the word "expound" when it was said to her.

I didn't cry as much in Relief Society as I did in Sunday School, though the lesson was no less meaningful to me, even if I can't quite remember the exact topic. The whole rest of the day I was feeling spiritually wonderful. I didn't even go on Lord of the Rings Online like I had planned to after church because I felt that if I did go on, my spiritual high would be ruined, and that was the last thing I wanted to do after not having experienced such a thing in so long.

Why am I sharing this with y'all? One: because I felt the need to record what I felt. Two: because I want to share with you all that I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am not afraid to say "Hey, this is what I believe to be true. This is what I stand for."

I realize that some of you will probably just dismiss this or ignore it. I know for a fact that one person on my friends list is an atheist and probably thinks this whole thing is stupid. But you know what? It really doesn't matter to me if you don't believe what I believe, or if you find this entry silly and pointless. What matters to me is that I make this entry in the first place. I can preach until I'm blue in the face, but it's your choice to use or ignore what I say.

I was feeling really down and depressed today when I found this video that a friend had posted on Facebook.


I won't go in to all the details of why I was so depressed(it involves my airheadedness and Glenn Beck, let's leave it at that), but I will say that I really needed this right at this moment. To me, it's just another proof not only of God's existence, but also his love for his children. Even me, and even you.

My brother had a Boy Scout's Court of Honor yesterday evening, so I've been thinking a lot about Scouting in the past 24 hours. One of the things that really hit me during the meeting was a story that my brother's Scoutmaster told. It was originally told by President Thomas S. Monson, current President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Here is the story in my own words.

There was a man who would always volunteer to cook for some high ranking scout leaders during their meetings. At the end of one of their meals, one of the leaders asked this man why he always volunteered so eagerly to cook for them. The cook put down his skillet and told him that his name was Demitrius, and that he was originally from Greece. His village had been invaded by Nazi's during WWII, and the men of the village would try to sabotage their war efforts as a sign of resistance.

One day, the men blew up a hydroelectric dam. That night, Demitrius woke to the lights of Nazi trucks and a command by the soldiers that every man and boy in the village was to gather on the village square. He had just enough time to put on his trousers and buckle his belt before he went to the village square.

Once all the males of the village had gathered, the soldiers explained that because of the broken dam, every 5th male in the village would be shot. Row by row the Nazi's went until the came to Demitirus' row. To his horror, Demitrius found that he would be one of those who would be shot. The soldier assigned to execute him looked at him and then at his belt buckle. It was a Scouting belt buckle that Demitrius had earned for memorizing the Scout Law and Oath. To his suprise, the Nazi soldier held up his hand in the three-fingered salute of Scouting and said "Run, boy. Run." As Demitrius finished his story, he told the leaders that he served Scouting because he wanted every boy to have a chance to live their dreams.

Needless to say, I got choked up when I heard that story last night. It made me so greatful that Scouting is a worldwide phenomenon.

So to all those invloved with Scouting, I want to say don't ever think that it isn't important. It is important.

So, I was just in a huge fight with my father where he literally kicked the crap out of me(I attacked first, so no abuse case there). And over what, you may ask? Over the fact that he refuses to allow my brother to go on any medication for his ADHD. He's convinced that it can all be controlled naturally with supplements. It doesn't seem to be working, as my brother is insanly behind on his school work and doesn't even realise when he lies, which is all the time. I, being the world-renowned shrink that I am(or rather, think that I am), attributed it to his own dislike of being on anti-depressants and how prideful he is and how he wants everything to be perfect and that sort of crap.

The truth is, I just don't want to deal with my families problems anymore, at least not while I'm living with them. I don't want to hear every detail about how my brother is getting grounded for this or that. I don't want to hear how Mom has to deal with suicidal subordinates at work in such vivid detail. I don't want my sister's fights with my parents to be broadcast to me in real time. And I certainly don't want to hear every scream and harsh word my mom and dad throw at each other when they fight. The truth is, I don't want to live at home anymore.

I want roommates. I want my own mailing address. I want a car. I want a job. I want a social life unencumbered by a lack of transportation. I want a cellphone. I want my own life. I want to change my ways and become the person I was meant to become.